


Poisoned Mind

by RayneSummer



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Self poisoning, i guess?, it kind of just happened, it's alluded to; nothing is actually said, uhh this is pretty dark i guess but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24886024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayneSummer/pseuds/RayneSummer
Summary: And if Merlin finds it difficult to bear the emotional pain, what's something on top of that so he at least has an inkling of how she would have felt?
Relationships: Gaius & Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	Poisoned Mind

**Author's Note:**

> tbh idk what this is,, it's dark I guess but it's 1.30am and i'm not in a particularly dark place rn so. I just very suddenly remembered this spn fic I read once where Dean thinks Sam has taken something and frantically searches him and calls an emergency and cancels it at the last minute, but the next day knows anyway and just silently takes care of him. So idk I just wrote that basically. The franticness and silence are.. good? to write. idk what this counts as but I wrote 1000 words in like 10 minutes so just take it

Merlin being actually ill was too odd of a thing to happen. Specifically on this date. So when Arthur sent Gwaine to the Court Physician chambers to check in, and he mentioned it had been a year or something since Morgana’s… thing. Well, Gwaine wasn’t about to take any chances. The knight may not know much but he was good at listening.

So when he opened the wooden door and saw Merlin on the floor, still looking too sick, that was alarming. But even more so, was the wide eyes and hastily hidden bottle.

Gwaine, admittedly, lost it.

“What was that?” He demanded, stepping into the room and giving pause for Merlin to answer. When there wasn’t anything except for his friend’s fast breathing – in panic or illness, it didn’t matter – Gwaine strode forward, half pulled Merlin up, and patted him down in a frantic way.

The bottle had disappeared somehow. But Gwaine’s terrors hadn’t. He took Merlin by the shoulders and shook him lightly, staring him right in the eyes to convey his desperation.

“Answer me! What was that?”

Merlin just shook his head and stammered, “N-nothing—” And he was clearly very startled by the sudden display of whatever this was by Gwaine but Gwaine didn’t care because if Merlin though he could do something to himself he had another thought coming, and then a punch for thinking that thought in the first place.

Gwaine practically dropped him, and Merlin was so weak that he barely caught himself from curling up on the floor, and Gwaine was striding back to the door, yelling way too loudly.

“Gaius!” And, to the first person he saw that glanced questioningly up the stairs; “Find Gaius, NOW, it’s an emergency.”

Ignoring Merlin’s quiet shaky voice from behind him, “It’s not an emergency, I’m fine—”

And Gwaine continued to ignore Merlin’s begging even as he hurried back to his side and was trying to make him stay still so whatever he had taken wouldn’t spread so fast (if that was even right, it wasn’t like Gwaine was the physician here), but Merlin was ignoring his efforts back, and instead trying to grab onto him, and make him listen, and it wasn’t until there were footsteps on the stairs outside the open door that Merlin finally got hold of Gwaine’s arm and said, in the most persuading, apparently truthful voice he could, “Gwaine. I swear. I didn’t take anything.”

Gwaine stopped moving and looked at Merlin, really looked, because his friend was sweaty and pale and clearly ill but, but, it could just be a cold or something – and it wasn’t like he had overheard anyone else be worried.

So when Gaius appeared in the doorway, urgently asking, “What on earth is it?” Gwaine didn’t even turn around, he kept staring at Merlin, and Merlin kept his eyes on the knight, and it wasn’t until Gaius took a concerned step forward that Gwaine broke the gaze and looked around at the physician.

He schooled his features into a classic charming smile with uncanny swiftness. “Oh, nothing. Sorry. You must be used to my shouting by now,” he said, in the perfect apology.

Gaius frowned, looking from Merlin to Gwaine, but his ward wouldn’t even look at him, keeping his gaze on the knight and waiting with bated breath.

But after a pause, Gwaine just straightened up and pulled Merlin with him, ignoring the way his friend shook and could barely stand, and gave him a light pat, avoiding eye contact, and said in a tone that was hard but a little shaky, “Go to bed. I’ll tell Arthur you’ll be back tomorrow.”

And with that, the knight left as quickly as he’d entered, giving Gaius a short nod as he passed, and not looking back when he closed the door on them.

Gaius glanced from the exit back to Merlin, a concerned frown on his face. “Merlin…”

But the boy apparently decided now was the time to listen to instruction, and he tried and failed to straighten up, and tried and failed to give a reassuring smile. “I’m, uh. Going to bed,” he offered weakly, and turned to stumbled up to his room, half-closing that door behind him.

“Yes,” Gaius said, watching his ward use the wall for balance. “And I’ll be up in a moment to check on you.” He said it quietly, and Merlin either didn’t hear or ignored in the hope it wouldn’t happen.

But Gaius walked over to where the boy had been crouched on the floor for some reason, and a glint of glass caught his old eye. And he found a small glass vial from where it had rolled under a nearby shelf, and looked at it for a moment before realising the fear that Gwaine had shouted for him with.

Merlin had fallen onto his bed and shut his eyes tight, trying to bury his head into the pillow. He was feeling all the more ill after the encounter with Gwaine, but he couldn’t fault the man. He had almost caught him, after all.

It wasn’t enough to kill. Of course not; he couldn’t do that. But hemlock worked in stages, and the sickness and tightness of the throat could easily hurt without danger or death, as long as it was taken properly.

(Like any poison, actually; many may only be lethal in certain ways, and helpful in others. But Merlin wasn’t aiming for either end of that spectrum right now.)

But, however it was caused, he was sick, and he felt himself drifting off. Though just as he did, he heard the telltale creak of his door being pushed and there was a very light hand on his forehead that then encircled his wrist. Merlin kept very still.

In the end, he did slip off, and dreamt darkly of friends and waterskins and desperation. And when he woke, he was only slightly surprised to find Gaius sitting at his bedside with the sternest expression he had ever seen on the man – which was saying something, considering the trouble Merlin himself got into constantly, let alone others that Gaius had to deal with as well.

He didn’t have time to say anything or barely move before Gaius handed him a bottle. “Drink all of this, right now,” he said, and his voice was low and didn’t match his fearsome expression because it was just full of fear and worry.

So Merlin obeyed, again, for the second time. He pushed himself up a tiny bit on his elbows and downed the potion, and it tasted horrible, like potions do, but it couldn’t be worse than poison, so he didn’t make a face, and silently handed the bottle back to Gaius, who took it also without a word.

“Stay here and rest. I’ll tell Arthur you will be back to normal tomorrow,” Gaius said eventually, though he made no move to get up and leave. Merlin just nodded and let himself fall back to burying his face in the pillow as though he could suffocate his misery.

Because he could tell by taste by now, and the liquid had been antidote and sleeping draught, and a certain person he knew had had one but not the other once upon a time.

So he drifted off and dreamed, and pretended not to notice whispers outside his door and a returning presence in his room. And when he finally opened his eyes and the sun was going down, he also pretended not to notice a certain knight sitting in the corner of the room in the shadows, just watching.

And if Gwaine stayed there, awake, all night, partly by Gaius’ comment but mostly by his own terror, then who was to say he was making sure his friend’s back rose with each breath.

He was gone by morning, and Gaius was back in Merlin’s room, and Merlin sat obediently as his guardian – in everything but his own head – checked him over though neither spoke about anything. And when Gaius let him go and return to normalcy and Arthur gave him an odd look and Gwen’s eyes were a little red, well, who knew what they actually knew. A certain lady had always been more important than a servant.

**Author's Note:**

> huh.


End file.
